The other day, I was asking some college students that I know about emojis. You see, it's only in the last few years that I have left the ranks of the Luddites and joined the smart phone revolution. In years past, I've been a notoriously bad texter, but, as my friends will tell you, I'm
|This is the best text I ever sent. It was sent to Tori after getting her gallbladder out.* **|
** Ok it was definitely an email. Scratch that. I've never texted anything good.
Now, here is my dilemma, because Sean and I's courtship took place largely outside of the realm of text messages, I did not learn which emoji's are considered flirty, and which are considered platonic.
So, when I respond to my sisters' texts, and include a winky face, what I'm trying to say is "I'm being playfully sarcastic and bitchy right now." But I have no idea if what I'm actually saying is, "Hey girl. Hey."
For this reason, I recently took an opportunity to pool some young people about emoji innuendo. Basically, what they told me (after laughing soundly at my lack of even basic coolness) was, "Katie, you should be fine with the winky faces, but know this: there is no reason anyone should ever send an eggplant emoji."
OHHHHHH. I get it.
So that's what the young kids are using eggplants for these days!? Well, personally, I think it's a little unfair that legions of hormonal teenagers have ruined the eggplant emoji for the rest of us. As someone who is new to texting, but seasoned in organic gardening, I want you to know that eggplants make GREAT VEGETABLE COMPANION PLANTS. Did you know that you can grow eggplants in your garden, and keep the aphids away from your tomatoes? That's right assholes, APHIDS LOVE THEM. Don't even get me started on eggplant parmesan, which is a great vegetarian dish for dinner parties, with only about half the prep time of a lasagna. You heard me. HALF THE TIME.
This cultural disconnect is why I feel the time is right for a new set of mom-friendly emoji's out there. I've created a few to get us started, but I'd like to appeal to the other moms reading this to keep the suggestions coming. Together, we will build up a new empire, and an emoji culture where eggplants are upheld, nay CELEBRATED, and also where mom-jean-shaming is given its proper recognition.
Here are the mom-friendly emoji's I have so far:
Mom jeans emoji- for when you suspect you might be wearing mom jeans, and feel like people are judging you for it.
Hipster Emoji- for when hipsters are also wearing mom jeans, and you suspect they aren't being judged for it, the assholes.
Eggplant Emoji-For when you are planning out your organic vegetable garden, and you want to text your sisters about companion planting eggplants and tomatoes.
Xylophone Emoji- For when your daughter is 3 months old and listens to exclusively xylophone music.
Hammer Emoji- To use in collaboration with the xylophone emoji, in order to express your true sentiments about the music being played in your house right now.
Paula Deen Emoji- For when you're emotionally exhausted, and need to cook some comfort food. Also can be used in conjunction with the eggplant emoji to indicate "Eggplant Parmesan."
Garth Brooks emoji- for when your baby is sleeping, and you are drinking gin and tonics and listening to early 90's country music, and you want to text your sisters about the all female country cover band you are starting, called, "Brooks and Hon."
Ryan Gosling Emoji- To be used as a replacement for the Eggplant Emoji, as it is used in its current form.