Sunday, November 24, 2013

Going Back To Work

Some of you may have already heard that I quit my job a few weeks ago.

It's true, I did.  My boss was a real piece of work.  She expected me to work at ALL HOURS, and to clean up her messes whenever she got herself into a shitty situation.

So, I quit my job as a stay-at-home mom and went back to the 8-5 working world.  Say goodbye to the days when I have puke covered pajamas on at 1:00 in the afternoon--- these days I'll be sporting puke-covered pencil skirts instead!

Now, I may joke about Millie being a tyrannical boss, but as any of you who've returned to work know, it's a pretty heart wrenching situation. And, when I say "heart wrenching" I want you to know I'm not being flippant about that term.  Every morning it feels as if someone LITERALLY  throwing wrenches at my heart.


I would be pretty upset about this if I wasn't so busy packing Millie's bag for the babysitter.  Every morning is now a frenetic race to avoid being late for work.  Sean and I pass Millie back and forth, like the cutest game of hot potato in the world, and in the space of about an hour and a half, we get 2 adults showered, 1 baby fed, all 3 of us dressed, the Cricket potty-ed, and the lunches packed for work. (Oh crap--- we forgot the lunches!) Fortunately, I'm married to a man who has taken graduate level Project Management classes,  and so we accomplish these tasks with the speed and efficiency of a Nascar pit-crew.

If parents had corporate sponsors like Nascar racing teams do, then our mornings would be brought to you by COFFEE (motto: The only thing keeping us awake right now!) and Millie's car-seat would have a gigantic decal for BOUDREAUX'S BUTT PASTE.

Millie has accepted the change gracefully.  She loves going to stay at her cool Uncle Randy's house during the days, and she doesn't cry or throw a fit when I drop her off in the mornings.  Mostly, she has adapted by waking up 4-5 times per night, thoughtfully enabling us to still spend some quality time together.  Thursday night, she woke up around 3am saying "WELL, I FEEL REFRESHED! What shall we do today Mommy?"

Needless to say, Friday morning I was more dependent than ever on our corporate coffee sponsorship.

Sleep loss aside, I really like my new job.  I'm able to do meaningful work with smart and capable colleagues, and it's nice to be around adults for a change.  Even with all this, I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss my old boss, Millie sometimes.

Tough and demanding though she was, I don't think I'll ever find a job I love more than taking care of that snotty, wondrous little poop-factory.  Luckily, she's agreed to let me pick up some contract work- mostly in the evenings.  In fact, I'm working tonight, with my first shift brought to you by WINE (motto: I know it's only 8:30, but you'd better go to bed soon because that baby's asleep. Wine!).  My shift starts around 3am.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Why having a baby is harder than having a dog

Before Sean and I had a baby, I often used to think that our dog Cricket was sort of like a kid.

"She's our first born," I would tell people jokingly, indicating her whiskers and adding---"she's really  hairy, just like her dad."  Then I would go about my day, never knowing that the people I had been talking to--you know the ones with actual children in their care, probably wanted to kick me in the teeth.

Looking back on this situation now, I definitely want to kick myself in the teeth, and if I had access to a Delorian, I would travel back in time and do just that.  I would go back a few years, to a point in time before Millie was born, but after we got dental insurance, and wait for myself to say something like "She's really high maintenance.  A few times she's even woken me up at night to go to the bathroom." KAPOWEE!  I would Ninja kick myself  right in my stupid trap.  It wouldn't make much of a difference you know, since my foot was already in my mouth.

So, animal lovers--- let's clear one thing up:  Your dog is NOT like your kid.  I know you love your dog, I love mine too.  I would spend every last penny I own to save her life, but it's not about that.  It's about how much time and energy your dog requires.

Cat Owners--- don't even get me started with you.  Your pet is self cleaning.  YOUR PET LITERALLY CLEANS ITS OWN ASSHOLE.  It's not like your kid.

In case you are curious as to whether or not your pet is actually like a kid, I've made this handy reference chart:

As you can see, babies are higher maintenance than your pet, especially in the areas of vomit, feeding, and having to listen to horrible boy-band music.  The good news is, they also offer a pretty good return on investment, since you can guilt them into paying for your nursing home one day.  Also, they don't go through many toys-shaped-like-waterfowl, and they usually don't vomit in your shoes. *

*That was a lie. The truth is, babies are in-discriminatory vomiters and will frequently vomit in your shoes, but--unlike your cat-- they don't do it out of spite. 

So, Pet owners, the next time you find yourself telling a new parent that your pet is just like a baby, really,  I want you to picture this face:

Dr. Emmett Brown, noted time-traveler and recycling aficionado

If the face of the person you are talking to bears a striking resemblance to Back to the Future's Dr. Emmett Brown, chances are they are a new parent dealing with some major sleep depravation. Do yourself a favor and go back in time to stop yourself from making that comment.  While you're there, you also might want to put down a deposit on some nursing homes, because your Cat is certainly not going to make that a priority-- it's too busy cleaning it's own asshole.