Saturday, January 25, 2014

I'm Serious Jolene. Stay Away from Dolly's Man.

Lately I've been really into a certain iconic songwriter and I want you to guess who it is.  I'll give you a hint.  This person is:

a.) One of the great american songwriters of all time
b.) Owner of some of the perkiest boobs of all time

Dolly Parton, Jolene new lyrics

If you answered Dolly Parton, you got it right.  If you didn't answer Dolly Parton, it's pretty obvious that you don't know shit about her.  You might think that just because Dolly is a sweet southern blonde with titties the size of aquatic mooring buoys, that she couldn't be a good songwriter.  You couldn't be more wrong.  Did you know that Dolly wrote "I Will Always Love You," the theme to The Bodyguard and Whitney Houston mega hit? Do you remember Ghetto Superstar? The catchiest song at your 9th grade homecoming dance? Yeah, Dolly made that melody famous in 1983, so you've really got her to thank for that hot sophomore named Justin who squeezed your butt that night.  YOU'RE WELCOME JUSTIN. Perhaps now you're beginning to see why, of all people, Dolly Parton has the social cachet to start her own theme-park.*

*I am not making that up.  It is called Dollywood, and I want to go there for my birthday. 

Undoubtedly, one of Dolly's best songs is the heart-wrenching gal-to-gal plea, Jolene.  In this song, Dolly sings to a red haired vixen named Jolene and begs her not to steal her man-- even though she totally could.  If you are unfamiliar with this song, here is a video of Dolly singing it from 1974, in which she wears a purple bellbottom pantsuit and TOTALLY PULLS IT OFF.

The word you're looking for is "adorable."

Because I love Dolly so much, I've recently learned to play Jolene on my guitar.  I'm usually not one to criticize a master songwriter like Miss Parton, but I'm having trouble finding the song to be very relatable.  Why didn't Dolly just beat Jolene's ass?  That's what I would have done.  Also, I'm finding it hard to believe that a woman who was as beautiful as Dolly and in possession of so many pimped out purple pantsuits would ever have to worry about her man's wandering eye.  It's just not realistic.  

That's why last night I wrote a few new verses to the song Jolene.  Nothing could ever touch Dolly's original, but I hope it can do justice to the way I feel about Jolene.  Jolene, if you're reading this, I want you to know that you don't have a chance in hell of taking Dolly's man.  I'm serious. NOT A CHANCE.  So here you go Dolly, I've got your back girl and hope to see you next fall-- as you may have heard, I'll be coming to Dollywood for my birthday. 

Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
I'm warning you hon please don't take my man
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene 
I will slap you with the backside of my hand...

Your danger is beyond compare, 
And I can tell you dye your hair,
Your roots are starting to show up there Jolene

And I can easily understand, 
How you would want to take my man, 
But you don't know how mean I can be Jolene

Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
I'm warning you hon please don't take my man
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene 
I will beat that ass if you try to take my man...

Monday, January 6, 2014

The Temperature at Sean and Katie's Place is Not Safe For Taun-Tauns!


Oh my God it is so cold outside.

I know what you're thinking "Don't be so dramatic Katie, how cold could it really be?"

I would like to respond to your question with a visual aid:

I accept your apology.

This is not a joke thermometer.  I did not buy it in some sort of sick joke shop. This is the the actual thermometer outside of our garage, and it basically reads "Get BACK INSIDE, Ass-Faces."

I want to design a new sort of thermometer, which screams at people whenever it is below zero degrees outside.  If, for instance, it was 5 degrees below zero, and someone was trying to scrape off their car and go to work, this thermometer would scream at them "HEY. You have paid sick days and a Hulu Plus subscription-- don't be a hero."

Or, if it was MUCH colder than that---as cold for instance, as it is in Ohio today--- the thermometer would scream dramatically: "You can't go out there! Your Taun-Taun will freeze before it reaches the first marker!" and then you could shout defiantly back at your Thermometer: "Then I'll see you in Hell!!" And then you would try to reach your office anyways.

This video, entitled "Luke Skywalker, Worst Scout Ever" made me laugh so hard I peed cried. 
(Ok fine. I peed.)

Incidentally, I have never been gladder that Sean commutes to work via bicycle rather than by Taun-Taun, because those things are pretty unreliable in the cold.

Look at this Taun-Taun.  That thing is already dead. 

But can we get serious for a minute?


Things are looking positively eldritch at our house right now, and I think of all people I've seen Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban enough times to know a Dementor attack when I see one.
My House

The Hogwarts Express

So, here I am-- sitting in my living room and waiting out the cold.* Tomorrow morning I'll have to fight my way through the Dementors and the frozen windows and make my way to work.  When I do, I'm really hoping that my Patronus doesn't take the shape of a Taun-Taun, because it that thing wouldn't last too long in these conditions.  At any rate,  it probably wouldn't make it out of our driveway, and I don't want to hear my thermometer screaming "I told you so!" **

* Ok, fine. I'm drinking.
** I'll see you in Hell, Thermometer!

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

My New Years Resolutions Now That I'm Sober.

It's New Years Day, which means you all better get straight to work on making some New Years Resolutions. If you haven't even started working on your resolutions yet---GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.  If you don't act soon, all the good gym memberships will be gone. 

I find it's best to avoid procrastination, which is why I always write my New Year's Resolutions on New Years Eve while I'm drinking. Nothing gets my creative juices flowing like guzzling cheap corbel out of plastic champagne flutes. The only potential drawback to this strategy is that my resolutions are occasionally a bit lofty and un-achievable.  For instance, here are a few of the new years resolutions I came up with last night: 

1. Meet Michael Pollan
2. Ride on a Unicorn
3. Keep the Baby Alive

Now, I know what you're thinking: numbers 1 and 2 might be a bit grandiose.  I KNOW RIGHT.  It's always best to revisit my resolutions in the morning with a sober and critical eye, which allows me to ask myself the tough questions. "Katie, is this really realistic? Would you really be able to RIDE a unicorn?  Of course not.  It's probably never even worn a bridle before."  That's why this morning I changed resolution number 2 to say.

2. Ride Pet a Unicorn

Much better. Now, you may also be wondering about resolution number 3: Keep the Baby Alive.  I find it's best to adopt at least one resolution that I was planning to do anyways, just to give me a sense of accomplishment at the end of the year.  That's why in years past my list has contained resolutions such as: wash the dog, and buy cilantro

Last year, Sean and I decided to take the pressure off of 2013 by making only one resolution: keep the baby alive. Whatever else went wrong in our lives, we figured as long as that baby was alive we were doing a bang-up job.  We found this approach to be wondrously successful.  When our plumbing backed up and we found our basement flooded with sewage (aka: Lake Shiticaca), we just smiled and said, oh well-- at least the baby is alive!  When it took us four months to refinish our deck, we said-- "Great job team! That baby is alive!" And when our list of needed home repairs got too long to fit on a single page, we even wrote "KEEP THE BABY ALIVE" on that list list to remind us that the most important thing was getting done.

 Last night, Sean and I sat with our champagne flutes watching our baby-- who was happy, healthy, and (woot woot!) ALIVE---playing in the living room with the other children.  We felt a warm sense of New Year's accomplishment spreading through us, (which feels like regular accomplishment, only bubblier.)  As we watched her, Millie looked up at us, gave us a dazzling smile, then crammed a tiny metal car in her mouth. 

Our baby can't exactly talk yet, but I know she's making some resolutions for next year too.  They probably involve riding the dog and shoving nickels into the DVD player.  I hope I'm able to instill some of my sense and reasoning into her goals (Don't be ridiculous Millie, what kind of a bridle do you have for that dog?!") But I know in 2014 no matter what her resolutions are, I'll be there-- focused on mine. Millie-- your mommy may not get to meet Michael Pollan, but you bet your ass I'm going to keep that baby alive in the coming year.* **

*Mommy's only joking.  Of course I will meet Michael Pollan.
** Take that nickel out of the DVD player young lady!