Tuesday, February 23, 2016

A History of Sex and the Acoustic Guitar

Through the ages, it's been a well known fact that men can promote sexual relationships through a demonstrated proficiency at the acoustic guitar.  When most of us think of this phenomenon, we think of the "free love" era; Woodstock, large shady oak trees on college campuses, and lots of people wearing polyester and living in vans.
These people all grew up to be stockbrokers.
What many people don't know is that the acoustic guitars were actually invented by early cave dwellers, who created the guitar as a way to use up surplus mastodon parts, and to seduce cave dwelling woman, who were heretofore unimpressed by their other attempts to initiate sex, such as "Hey Babe, Look how Big Rock!" And, "Me have Mastodon sized surprise for you in loin cloth!"

So, Acoustic guitars were invented, and for centuries they've become an essential tool for young men with amorous intentions.  I myself am the product of such a courtship, as I sing about in my song "If Mamma Never Went to Town," A tribute to my parent's copulation.  But recently, the acoustic guitar has become a less reliable consummation accomplice, and I think I know why:  

1. Women learned to play guitars-  This totally turned the tables on the guys.  Now, all of the sudden, women were using their own weapons against them, and they were sexier than them at it!! I recall fondly, how, in college, I had a friend named Haylee who played and sang the guitar.  She could make any guy we met fall in love with her in less than 45 seconds just by playing her guitar.  I remember we used to go to this Italian restaurant, in our dirty, muddy rugby clothes, and she would make all the dudes there fall so hard in love with her, that all we would do the whole night was eat free Fettuchini Alfredo, and drink beer and laugh, while every once in a while she would pick her guitar back up and play "Landslide," just to placate them.
2. An over-abundance of song options has overwhelmed the men- This is a really important one.  Guys and girls have totally different understandings of what is romantic. I'll give you an example.  Both my husband, and the guitar playing husbands of many of my friends, love to play the song "Sweet Melissa." They think it's really romantic.  We keep trying to explain to them that that song is ONLY ROMANTIC TO WOMEN NAMED MELISSA.  Yet, always they play it, and I can tell that they are totally moved by it, and expect us to be as well.  The same thing happens with the song "Brown Eyed Girl,*" and that blonde haired lady from Clapton's wonderful tonight." WHAT ARE YOU THINKING BOYS? And WHO IS THAT BLONDE LADY?  You'd have better luck trying to seduce the white witch of Narnia by singing Santana's "Black Magic Woman."
 *They are hazel, or haven't you noticed?

That's why, in fairness to the boys, I've decided to produce this "Acoustic Guitar Guide to: What to play while pursuing Sex."

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