Saturday, January 25, 2014

I'm Serious Jolene. Stay Away from Dolly's Man.

Lately I've been really into a certain iconic songwriter and I want you to guess who it is.  I'll give you a hint.  This person is:

a.) One of the great american songwriters of all time
b.) Owner of some of the perkiest boobs of all time

Dolly Parton, Jolene new lyrics

If you answered Dolly Parton, you got it right.  If you didn't answer Dolly Parton, it's pretty obvious that you don't know shit about her.  You might think that just because Dolly is a sweet southern blonde with titties the size of aquatic mooring buoys, that she couldn't be a good songwriter.  You couldn't be more wrong.  Did you know that Dolly wrote "I Will Always Love You," the theme to The Bodyguard and Whitney Houston mega hit? Do you remember Ghetto Superstar? The catchiest song at your 9th grade homecoming dance? Yeah, Dolly made that melody famous in 1983, so you've really got her to thank for that hot sophomore named Justin who squeezed your butt that night.  YOU'RE WELCOME JUSTIN. Perhaps now you're beginning to see why, of all people, Dolly Parton has the social cachet to start her own theme-park.*

*I am not making that up.  It is called Dollywood, and I want to go there for my birthday. 

Undoubtedly, one of Dolly's best songs is the heart-wrenching gal-to-gal plea, Jolene.  In this song, Dolly sings to a red haired vixen named Jolene and begs her not to steal her man-- even though she totally could.  If you are unfamiliar with this song, here is a video of Dolly singing it from 1974, in which she wears a purple bellbottom pantsuit and TOTALLY PULLS IT OFF.

The word you're looking for is "adorable."

Because I love Dolly so much, I've recently learned to play Jolene on my guitar.  I'm usually not one to criticize a master songwriter like Miss Parton, but I'm having trouble finding the song to be very relatable.  Why didn't Dolly just beat Jolene's ass?  That's what I would have done.  Also, I'm finding it hard to believe that a woman who was as beautiful as Dolly and in possession of so many pimped out purple pantsuits would ever have to worry about her man's wandering eye.  It's just not realistic.  

That's why last night I wrote a few new verses to the song Jolene.  Nothing could ever touch Dolly's original, but I hope it can do justice to the way I feel about Jolene.  Jolene, if you're reading this, I want you to know that you don't have a chance in hell of taking Dolly's man.  I'm serious. NOT A CHANCE.  So here you go Dolly, I've got your back girl and hope to see you next fall-- as you may have heard, I'll be coming to Dollywood for my birthday. 

Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
I'm warning you hon please don't take my man
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene 
I will slap you with the backside of my hand...

Your danger is beyond compare, 
And I can tell you dye your hair,
Your roots are starting to show up there Jolene

And I can easily understand, 
How you would want to take my man, 
But you don't know how mean I can be Jolene

Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
I'm warning you hon please don't take my man
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene 
I will beat that ass if you try to take my man...

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