Wednesday, January 1, 2014

My New Years Resolutions Now That I'm Sober.

It's New Years Day, which means you all better get straight to work on making some New Years Resolutions. If you haven't even started working on your resolutions yet---GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.  If you don't act soon, all the good gym memberships will be gone. 

I find it's best to avoid procrastination, which is why I always write my New Year's Resolutions on New Years Eve while I'm drinking. Nothing gets my creative juices flowing like guzzling cheap corbel out of plastic champagne flutes. The only potential drawback to this strategy is that my resolutions are occasionally a bit lofty and un-achievable.  For instance, here are a few of the new years resolutions I came up with last night: 

1. Meet Michael Pollan
2. Ride on a Unicorn
3. Keep the Baby Alive

Now, I know what you're thinking: numbers 1 and 2 might be a bit grandiose.  I KNOW RIGHT.  It's always best to revisit my resolutions in the morning with a sober and critical eye, which allows me to ask myself the tough questions. "Katie, is this really realistic? Would you really be able to RIDE a unicorn?  Of course not.  It's probably never even worn a bridle before."  That's why this morning I changed resolution number 2 to say.

2. Ride Pet a Unicorn

Much better. Now, you may also be wondering about resolution number 3: Keep the Baby Alive.  I find it's best to adopt at least one resolution that I was planning to do anyways, just to give me a sense of accomplishment at the end of the year.  That's why in years past my list has contained resolutions such as: wash the dog, and buy cilantro

Last year, Sean and I decided to take the pressure off of 2013 by making only one resolution: keep the baby alive. Whatever else went wrong in our lives, we figured as long as that baby was alive we were doing a bang-up job.  We found this approach to be wondrously successful.  When our plumbing backed up and we found our basement flooded with sewage (aka: Lake Shiticaca), we just smiled and said, oh well-- at least the baby is alive!  When it took us four months to refinish our deck, we said-- "Great job team! That baby is alive!" And when our list of needed home repairs got too long to fit on a single page, we even wrote "KEEP THE BABY ALIVE" on that list list to remind us that the most important thing was getting done.

 Last night, Sean and I sat with our champagne flutes watching our baby-- who was happy, healthy, and (woot woot!) ALIVE---playing in the living room with the other children.  We felt a warm sense of New Year's accomplishment spreading through us, (which feels like regular accomplishment, only bubblier.)  As we watched her, Millie looked up at us, gave us a dazzling smile, then crammed a tiny metal car in her mouth. 

Our baby can't exactly talk yet, but I know she's making some resolutions for next year too.  They probably involve riding the dog and shoving nickels into the DVD player.  I hope I'm able to instill some of my sense and reasoning into her goals (Don't be ridiculous Millie, what kind of a bridle do you have for that dog?!") But I know in 2014 no matter what her resolutions are, I'll be there-- focused on mine. Millie-- your mommy may not get to meet Michael Pollan, but you bet your ass I'm going to keep that baby alive in the coming year.* **

*Mommy's only joking.  Of course I will meet Michael Pollan.
** Take that nickel out of the DVD player young lady!

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