Five Years of Marriage and We Still Don't Fight About the Toothpaste.

Tomorrow Sean and I will celebrate our five year wedding anniversary. Unless of course, Sean decides to leave me tonight--but I find that highly unlikely since between the two of us, I'm the only one who knows how to make my famous "Double Meat Lasagna."

Photo by Anthony Sinagoga

Naturally,  this week I've been doing a lot of reflecting on our marriage. How are we different now? How are we the same? How come my ass got so much bigger and Sean's ass didn't?  But most of all, I'm reflecting on how we came together to produce a new life.  A beautiful, perfect, hilarious life, that fills us with redonkulous amounts of joy, despite her production of horrific bodily fluids in quantities that would intimidate most municipal sewage utilities.

When Sean and I got married, lots of people told us ominously how much our lives would change.  “You’ll learn things about each other that you never knew before” they assured us, “little things, like, how they roll the tube-of-toothpaste will drive you crazy.” 

I’m happy to report that, despite our post nuptial tooth-paste merger, Sean and I found that getting married really didn’t change our lives that much.  In fact, it only made things easier, funner, and more convenient.  We felt victorious—we didn’t have to slow down, we could still party, play in a band, and drink as much PBR as we wanted. We didn't start bickering or fighting, and we certainly didn’t give a second thought to the rolling of the toothpaste, except to say “why the fuck is everyone in America so obsessed with the toothpaste? Is this really an insurmountable obstacle for some couples?”

So understandably, when we announced that we were pregnant we listened to the same dire warnings with a small degree of skepticism. Sure, sure our lives will change, but how much?  Certainly not as much as everyone is predicting. The baby won’t even have teeth for the first year, so we know we won’t be fighting about the toothpaste.  What else is there?

If you are a new parent reading this, you are probably snorting derisively into your coffee right about now.  I know you are drinking coffee, because I'm betting that you were also awake at 5 am, promising your husband 100 blow jobs if he would just go get the baby this time, and receiving in return his counter-offer of a stable of 25 miniature ponies named Thunder, if you would go.

I feel your pain comrade, I really do.  That's why I have created these new wedding vows, ones that more accurately reflect the commitment that couples make to each other when they decide to have kids.

Marriage Vows For New Parents

I ______ take you, _______, to have a baby with and hold that baby with when she is screaming at 5 am. I promise to love you, and laugh with you, and never nag you about stupid shit like how you roll your toothpaste tube--seriously America, get it together. For richer, or for way, WAY poorer. In sickness and in health. You, me, and all of our ponies named Thunder, and even if your ass gets fat.  

Happy Anniversary Sean.  I love you now more than ever, and I wouldn't want to be on this crazy adventure with anyone else.