We've recently decided to stop being heathens and take our baby to church. We figured since Millie is almost seven months old we really don't have any excuses for not taking her, and besides, we'll need THE LORD on our side in our upcoming battle against Dora the Explorer, Tracy the Teenage Prostitute, and whatever other mass marketed toddler Cover Girl that will soon penetrate our otherwise peaceful existence.
The good news is that Millie LOVES church. Odds are, your baby loves church too, and I think I know why:
1. Church Clothes- All babies love getting dressed in fancy clothes for church! In fact, Millie loves it so much that she projectile vomits all over herself immediately after being dressed, just so that she can do it over again! She also projectile vomits on me, and (once) directly inside her chest-of-drawers! Our baby believes in being thorough.
2. Hymnals- Hymnals are very baby friendly, but only if your congregation uses their hymnals primarily to produce small, finely shredded paper for lighting campfires or--potentially--for use as hamster bedding. If your congregation uses their hymnals primarily for singing, it's best not to let your baby touch them.
3. Call and Response- We were amazed to see how our baby intuitively understood the concept of call and response! For example, whenever the priest says the words "let us pray" or "lets take a moment of silence" Millie INTUITIVELY understands that she is supposed to respond, and loudly announces "DaDAHaBadGah!" to the stunned congregation (*Literal translation: "I've made you some Hamster Bedding!"*)
4. Organ Music- Let's face it, Organs are kind of like giant xylophones.
5. Jingle Cow- Millie has a favorite toy named Jingle Cow, which hangs from her carseat. I have no idea how parents who do not own this toy make their babies behave in public.
6. Praying-- It's hard to tell if Millie is praying or not, but if she is, I can guarantee her prayer goes something like this:
Please bless Mommy, Daddy, Jingle Cow, and Cricket. Protect me from the horrible homemade peach baby food, and from wearing any outfit with SLEEVES, which are the absolute worst. Please give me the strength to eat this entire page of hymnal before Mommy notices.
7. The Narthex- Every church has one-- the room just outside of the sanctuary where the Preacher stands and greets people after the service. This is also a convenient place to take a screaming baby when she is throwing a tantrum because you will not let her eat today's scripture readings.8. Today's Scripture Readings- Today's scripture readings are delicious, and pair nicely with the Liturgical Response.
9. Napping- Hahaha! I'm just joshing with you. The only time your baby will sleep during church is at the very first service she attends. You (her parents) will likely announce to everyone that you would have taken her to church sooner, but she's been colicky and you didn't want to disrupt the service, and it's not like you are heathens or something, it's just that this baby screams-all-the-time. Your baby will then sleep angelically for the next two solid hours, because even God enjoys a good joke.
10. Anxiety Attacks- If you are taking your baby to church for the first time, you are probably having a major anxiety attack, which your baby thinks is hilarious. That's why I recommend that you parents take a deep breath, relax, and join me in a quick prayer.
Please bless my baby and help her not to scream in church. But if she screamed a little, that would be ok too, cause then everyone would know that I'm not a heathen, and I've just been avoiding church to be considerate.
Thank you for all of your creations, but especially for Jingle Cow, who is surely proof that you are a benevolent and loving God. Shield me Oh Lord, from Tracy the Teenage Prostitute, and the years of trials before us. And give us this day, a hamster, so that we will have a use for all this hamster bedding.
In your name,