*Throws head back and laughs, ruefully.
Little did I know that the birth of my son would involve doctors cutting through my abdomen, presumably with a buzz-saw, and performing an emergency hysterectomy to remove my uterus, who would later be christened "Cersei Lannister" by readers of this blog. Now, 9 weeks post-surgery, I am left with a pouchy, still-pregnant-looking stomach and I'm ashamed to tell you how much it bothers me.
So it was with trepidation in my heart that I approached Target last week, seeking some comfort in the form of SPANX. I was prepared to do my duty and honor my friend, but I'll be dammed if I was going to do it without shape-wear.
I found exactly the thing I was looking for. They were sort of a stretchy combination panty-hose/biker short getup, and they are-- undoubtedly-- the least sexy things I've ever worn. As an added blow, Sean discovered gleefully that they are actually called "everyday muffin tamers." As in their ACTUAL NAME on the REAL, NOT MADE UP PACKAGING FOR THIS PRODUCT, is "Everyday Muffin Tamer." It's ok if you need to take a minute here to laugh at me.
|I wouldn't lie to you about this|
Well I'm here to report, those things worked. I would heartily recommend them to any woman who has recently had abdominal surgery and/or a La Bamba burrito. Armed in my muffin tamers, I bravely entered the Bridal Affirmation Suite for my beautification procedures. For those unfamiliar, the Bridal Affirmation Suite, (or, BAS.) is the central location at any wedding where the bride, bridesmaids, and mothers gather to dress for the ceremony. Typical activities in the BAS include drinking champagne, applying makeup, and about 4-6 hours of telling each other how pretty we look.*
*which is always true, especially the more champagne we have.
I've been in a BAS before, but never when 9 weeks postpartum. I would HIGHLY recommend this experience to new mothers out there. During a time in my life when I'm averaging a shower every 3 days and 4 consecutive hours of sleep a night, I get to go into a room with highly trained beauty professionals that will hide the bags under my eyes and apply false eyelashes to my person? YES PLEASE. Oh, look, someone brought champagne? SURE I WILL TAKE A MANGO MIMOSA. And also my daughter is in here but there's like 30 doting relatives in here watching her? ANOTHER MIMOSA IT IS.
Thanks to my muffin tamers and the inventors of false eyelashes, I felt confident standing up next to my beautiful sister in law (seriously-- no one that hot should also be that cool!) on her special day. All in all, the wedding weekend was filled with wins for Sean and I. The kids were relatively well behaved on the 12+ hour car rides there and back. Millie was a flower girl and we made lots of jokes about what to do if she picked her nose during the ceremony. Then, Millie actually did pick her nose during the ceremony, but I handled it discreetly.* Then, the mom of the other flower girls explained to me that since she didn't eat it, we can also count that as a #momwin. Mom logic is awesome.
*I put the booger inside my bouquet, because I'm classy.
Now I'm back home, and I'm missing the Bridal Affirmation Suite. I haven't showered in 3 days again, and Millie would probably tell on me if I tried to day-drink champagne while Sean was at work. However, I'm still smiling, because I've got a secret weapon--not just for wedding days-- but for everyday use. The packaging doesn't lie. #muffintamers #everyday.