The first is "KEEP FIRING, ASSHOLES!!!" From the classic movie, Spaceballs. The other is "WHO DOES NUMBER TWO WORK FOR!!!?" which of course originates from Tom Arnold's cameo in Austin Powers.
*Its the little things, like this, that keep our love alive.
This is a very important cinematic clip I want you all to watch.
Clearly, In our house, poop is a public affair, and we laugh and joke about it openly. But, such an important thing happened to me today, that I needed to broadcast it more widely.
I took my first poop after having my baby. Anyone who has ever had a baby will know why this is a big deal. I remember after I had my Millie, I was truly terrified by the prospect of pooping. I was afraid that any squeezing whatsoever "down there" would send half of my vital organs shooting out through my sphincter. After delivering Ben, I had similar fears. This time, they were compounded by the fact that I was also recovering from major surgery, and the narcotics they gave me completely shut me down for 5 days. In the hospital, I tried to eat soft foods like pudding and fruit cups, but experience taught me that this would come out feeling like rocks and razor blades.
After they discharged me, I put myself on a 2 day diet regimen of watermelon and docusate. Finally, I finally felt safe enough to give poop a try. It was horrible. During Ben's birth, there was a wonderful Labor and Delivery nurse named Shelly who helped coach me through my contractions. Oh how I wished Shelly were with me now, talking me safely through my poop.
"You can do it!" Shelly would tell me.
"No, Shelly I can't do it!" I would respond, "I need an epidural."
"Just a few more seconds" she would assure me.
Finally, when my poop was out, and safely in the toilet bowl, I would collapse with relief, and Shelly would stroke my forehead.
"You did it kid" she would say to me.
"Thanks Shelly." I would say, the accomplishment welling up inside me.
At the end of the day, I got to take the porcelain out to pasture,* even without Shelly there to support me. In the process, I think I have stumbled upon a great new business opportunity for post-partum doulas who specialize in coaching new moms through their first BM. Any of you out there are welcome to steal this business idea from me. In the meantime, I'll be here snacking on watermelon, sitting on the toilet, and yelling celebratory Spaceballs quotes. KEEP FIRING ASSHOLES!
*This is an amazing new euphemism for pooping that Sean invented this week.
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