1. We all have to pee. This is a universal truth. If you are talking to a pregnant lady, you can rest assured that she has to pee at this very moment. If we, the pregnant ladies, seem in a hurry to get somewhere, then please sweet Jesus LET US GO. We are on our way to the bathroom, where we are either going to pee, or cry because someone just told us how huge we are, but probably both.
Every time I go to my OB appointments, they have me pee in a cup. Each time, the receptionist asks me politely "Are you able to provide a urine sample today?" Then we both laugh, because she knows damn well I'm able to provide a urine sample, even though I literally just peed downstairs in the lobby. My OB receptionist is awesome.
2. Remove the word HUGE from your vocabulary. This is pretty standard stuff really. In our house, Sean has wisely avoided saying the word "huge" for the last 6 months at least. When we watched the NCAA men's basketball tournament this year, he would say "Hey baby-- come watch this replay-- the Tarheels just came up with a glowing and voluptuous rebound against Gonzaga!"
Here's some solid advice: Before you open your mouth to comment on a pregnant woman's body, ask yourself-- Would it be socially acceptable for me to say this about a non-pregnant person's body? The answer is probably no.
The truth is, the pregnant ladies of the world do not need your reminders. We know our bodies are changing. We already receive reminders of this every morning when we are dressing ourselves with clothes the size of industrial table cloths. Each time we have to pee (which--as we've covered--is quite frequently,) we are also reminded by our belly buttons, which have become fleshy, swirling nebulons of pain.
So, as a public service, I've created a few substitute clauses you can use when interacting with the pregnant ladies in your life!
- Oh my god! You're
Huge!(substitute: Oh my God! You're a dead ringer for Kate Hudson!)
- Whoa-- look at that
enormous belly! (Substitute: Whoa-- look at that detailed transition plan you've left for your colleagues during your maternity leave!)
- You look like you're about to
pop!(Substitute: You look like you're about to propagate another human life using only your uterus and a steady supply of salt-and-vinegar potato chips, like a boss!)
3. We haven't shaved our legs. Not really. I mean-- we've tried, but we're basically flying blind. Personally, I haven't seen my thighs in two months. So, I want to apologize to anyone else who may be seeing them, namely Sean.
4. We are all Bad-asses. Growing up, I sort of considered myself to be well supplied in the bad-assery department. I was a small town karate star who--in my prime--could flip across my dojo like Simone Biles, and jump-front kick someone twice my size in the teeth. It wasn't until after Millie was born that I realized the hard truth. I was not special. ALL WOMEN, everywhere, even ones who work at perfume counters at department stores,* ** are incredible bad-asses. After experiencing labor, I looked around the pews at the elderly ladies in my church, and was shaken to the core by the pantsuited empresses of Badasserwald that surrounded me, and overflowed out into the Narthex.
*Women who work at perfume counters are actually my biggest fear.
**One time, I tried to buy a summer fragrance in the autumn season, and was rightfully shamed for my ignorance. I've never recovered.
So remember friends, pregnancy is bonkers. Basically all the moms you know are formidable and deserve your respect.
I hope this list gave you some convenient insight into the psyche of pregnant ladies-- or at least of this one. As for me, I think it's time that I waddled to the bathroom again. Maybe while I'm there I'll try and shave my legs, like a bad-ass.