Wednesday, May 6, 2015

I'm a secret pregnant lady.

March, 2015

 I'm pregnant.

(I KNOW!!!)  I'm so excited.  Sean is excited too-- mostly because my boobs are going to get crazy big, but also because of propagating our bloodlines, the joys of parenthood, blah blah, blah- blah....

Now SHHH.  It's a secret.  I'm a secret pregnant lady. You can't tell anyone.

It always really confuses me when I think about the taboos of announcing pregnancies in our society. For those of you out of the loop, when a woman like me gets pregnant, there is a 15% chance that I will loose the baby (have a miscarriage) in the first three months.  For this reason, many expectant parents wait until after this period to tell friends, family, and employers about their future little snot-rocket.  Now here's where the irony comes in, the first three months are when women are in the need of most sympathy.

Here are some actual symptoms, which pregnant ladies like me experience in our first trimester. I am not making these up.

Feeling like you are going to vomit because you have an empty stomach
Felling like you are going to vomit because you have a full stomach
Feeling like you are going to vomit because you smell axe body spray
Feeling like you are going to vomit because you smell cabbage
Feeling mad at your partner because they don't constantly nearly vomit
Extreme Exhaustion
Emotional mood swings
Dissatisfaction with your throw pillows
Knockers that make you look like Jessica-Rabbit
Inability to go jogging because of your Jessica-Rabbit knockers
Feeling guilty about not jogging
Inability to drink wine with your girlfriends
Inability to be honest with your girlfriends about why you won't drink wine with them.
Inability to convince your neighbor, Bill, that you stopped drinking wine because you are going on a cleanse.

Now, from looking at this list, you can see how much I am in need of pity and understanding-- especially at work, but alas, I can't tell anyone about what I'm going through, and instead am forced to let them believe that instead, I am randomly recalling an errand which requires me to leave the building each time they are reheating leftover cabbage!

Now, I'm not going to get into the complexities of why women like me choose to keep their pregnancies secret.  If you've ever made or received a phone call about the loss of a child, you have reason enough for silence, and if you're a woman who cares about her career, you know your pregnancy could affect your professional goals.

What I AM going to request, is a little consideration from all you bystanders out there.  Next time you are at the office or at a public event, have a little consideration for the secret pregnant ladies out there.

Ask yourself these questions:

Is someone who I KNOW to be fond of wine, suddenly going on a "cleanse?"
Is there a person who is clearly struggling not to vomit when sitting in a staff meeting about data reporting?
Is there a person who is physically recoiling in the presence of Axe body spray?*
Is there a person who, though normally slight of frame, is beginning to resemble Dolly Parton in a Wonderbra?
*may not indicate pregnancy, could just be any adult.

You may have a secretly pregnant lady in your midst.  In order to be inclusive, I would immediately enact these policies, which will enable your friend/college to cloak her pregnancy until the appropriate time.
  1. office wide ban on all cabbage-related leftovers
  2. staff happy-hours should only be at establishments with sympathetic bartenders who are willing to serve "mocktails."
  3. All-office nap time is preferred. 
  4.  No one talks to Bill.
  5. All lunch-time jogging initiatives should be ceased immediately. 
There.  Now you are prepared to support and nurture the secret pregnant lady in your midst. I congratulate you on your support and inclusivity.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I just recalled an errand which requires me to leave the building and is in no way related to your leftover enchiladas.

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