Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Craigslist: Transfer Student Seeking Rich Heiress as Roommate

As many of you know, my sister Tori has been living with us for the past year.  She's been taking a "gap year" from college.  If we were rich people, she'd probably spend this gap year volunteering on organic farms in Italy, staying in lots of stinky hostels, and doing some obscure language immersion program. But, since we're not rich people, instead she did an immersion program in "working for a living," which gave her valuable insight in how much it blows to be a grown up person.

Wisely, she has decided to return to the aderol-fueled, two showers a week, shuffle-board-is-a-real-sport, reality that is American academia.  In a few weeks, she be moving to Athens, Ohio, where she will be attending Thirsty Thursdays Ohio University.  She's only got a month to go before school starts, and she still needs to find housing, so in desperation, she recently crafted this roommate wanted ad for Craigslist: 

subject: Transfer student seeking roommate 

My name is Tori. I'm a 22 year old transfer student who will be moving to Athens in August. I am looking for an apartment/ house or potential roommates. I have no gender preference about roommates. I will be studying wildlife biology. I am returning to school after taking some time off to work. I am very responsible and respectful. I would prefer something within 15-20 minute walking distance or closer to campus. I have a 6 year old lab mix named River, so I would prefer something pet friendly. I am hoping for something under $550 including utilities.

My main concern is that this add is boring misleading, because it is in no way an accurate representation of how much my sister kicks ass.  Tori is fun, friendly, and-- if you are hungover---will cook you a fried egg sandwich that would make Paula Deen look like Jenny Craig. That's why today, she and I crafted this revised craigslist ad, which I think we all can agree will attract the caliber of roommate she so richly deserves:

Subject: Transfer Student seeking wealthy heiress as roommate

I am a 22 year old transfer student who will be moving to Athens this fall. I am seeking a roommate, preferably someone who is a wealthy heiress who could support my extravagant lifestyle of PBR and craft mac and cheese. I am seeking a pet friendly place because I have a dog. I know that a dog should appeal to an heiress although my 70 pound lab mix probably won't fit in your purse. You are welcome to try it as long as you pay for any resulting damage.... to your expensive purse.

About me: I will be studying wildlife biology, so I'm interested in a roommate whose parents might be willing to make donations to the penniless conservation organizations I will be working for in the future. I'm originally from the mountains of North Carolina. I am sassy and southern and would make a hilarious counterpoint to your privileged heiress upbringing. I'm a hippie who is not at all materialistic so you can count on me to be respectful of all your expensive shit.

With everything I am bringing to the table all I ask is that you pay for 95% of the rent and 100% of the utilities. In return I'll kill 100% of spiders*, and cook you tons of delicious vegetarian meals.  Oh-- I forgot to tell you, I'm a vegetarian, so (by default) now you are too.  I know your rich ass doesn't know how to cook for yourself. 

* By "kill" spiders, what I actually mean is catch them in an overturned cup and release them outside-- I'm not a monster!

Applicants can respond by email or by social media. If there are not pictures of you and Pharrell Williams on your instagram, you need not apply.

I know what you're thinking.  "Your sister is hilarious!"  I know.  After reading that you probably all want to be my sister's roommate, which is totally understandable. If you happen to know a rich heiress who is looking for a quirky hippie sidekick, please let Tori know immediately. Also, if you are Pharrell Williams, please come to Tori's going away party at our house.  The party may get rowdy, but we can pretty much guarantee that the next morning Tori will cook you a fried egg sandwich.

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