Tuesday, April 3, 2018

My dog, Cricket, Schedules a Performance Review with Me

 Recently, my dog Cricket scheduled a performance review with me.  She wanted to discuss my ability to fulfill my duties as her dog owner (now that I have two kids,) and also the pork tenderloin that was left out on the counter.  Now, I'll be the first to admit that Cricket's life has been hard with the arrival of a new baby and multiple moves, but I still thought her reflections were a little harsh.  Here is a transcript of our conversation:

Cricket:  Thank you for coming in today. Please, have a seat.
Me: What it is that you wanted to talk about?
Cricket: (glancing at the pork tenderloin on the counter) We'll get to that in a minute.  First, I want you to tell me, in your own words, how you think you've been performing as my owner.
Me: (Looking down guiltily) Well, I think I've had a lot of new responsibilities with the new baby, and it's been hard to make sure everyone's needs are met. 
Cricket: I see. And do you think that you've been putting out your BEST WORK in respect to me? 
Me: No, I guess not. 

Cricket: Thank you for admitting that. Now let's get down to business.  It has come to my attention that there is a pork tenderloin, there on the counter. 
Me: Yeah, I know-- I was so tired I forgot to put away dinner last night. 
Cricket: I can see that you are overworked. From now on, I will put away dinner for you. 
Me: That's so thoughtfu--- wait NO, Bad dog. 

Cricket: (Shuffling papers) Okay moving on.  There was the incident in the woods that i think we need to discuss. 
Me: The one with the dead rabbit?
Cricket: MY dead rabbit. You took it away from me.
Me: I didn't want you to get sick. Who knows how it died?
Me: (Looking doubtful) sure....
Cricket: What? You don't think I could do it?
Me: Kill a rabbit? No, you're like, 100 years old. You lack the agility. 
Cricket: AGILITY!??? Didn't you see what I did to the stuffed duck you gave me for Christmas? TOTAL EVISCERATION!
Me: Whatever, you still can't eat that Rabbit.
Cricket: This is unrelated, but can I go in the woods? 
Me: No. 

Cricket: Okay, but I have another complaint. Why won't you let me lick the baby?
Me: I do.
Cricket: In the face. I want to lick his face.
Me: You lick your butt. 
Cricket: Do not!
Me: Do too! You lick your butt almost constantly.
Cricket: You are overprotective. 
Me: ......

Cricket: ......
Me: What are you doing now?
Cricket: (innocently) with what?
Me: Your face
Cricket: I'm begging.
Me: For what?
Cricket: For you, know, any scraps that may have been left out on the counter. 
Me: Cricket no...
Cricket: Big or small.... you know just poor, neglected Cricket hoping for some affection from a once doting dog mom. 
Me: Fine. 
Cricket: Wait really? 
Me: Yeah, fine I'll cut you a piece. 
Cricket: Holy Shit are you serious??
Me: Yeah, why not. Here you go. 
Cricket: Okay, give it here!

(slurp slurp slurp) 

Me: Hey, while you're here, why don't you just sign off on my evaluation?
Cricket: oh, yeah, OF COURSE mom.  
Me: I see you just changed my performance rating to "excellent." 
Cricket: (Still slurping) Oh yeah, you're the greatest Mom.
Me: Thanks Cricket, I love you. 
Cricket: Mom? 
Me: Yes?
Cricket: Can I go in the woods?
Me: No. 
Update: We went in the woods.

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