Cricket: Thank you for coming in today. Please, have a seat.
Me: What it is that you wanted to talk about?
Cricket: (glancing at the pork tenderloin on the counter) We'll get to that in a minute. First, I want you to tell me, in your own words, how you think you've been performing as my owner.
Me: (Looking down guiltily) Well, I think I've had a lot of new responsibilities with the new baby, and it's been hard to make sure everyone's needs are met.
Cricket: I see. And do you think that you've been putting out your BEST WORK in respect to me?
Me: No, I guess not.
Cricket: Thank you for admitting that. Now let's get down to business. It has come to my attention that there is a pork tenderloin, there on the counter.
Me: Yeah, I know-- I was so tired I forgot to put away dinner last night.
Cricket: I can see that you are overworked. From now on, I will put away dinner for you.
Me: That's so thoughtfu--- wait NO, Bad dog.
Cricket: (Shuffling papers) Okay moving on. There was the incident in the woods that i think we need to discuss.
Me: The one with the dead rabbit?
Cricket: MY dead rabbit. You took it away from me.
Me: I didn't want you to get sick. Who knows how it died?
Cricket: I DO! IN MY COLD ICY JAWS OF UNERRING DEATH!
Me: (Looking doubtful) sure....
Cricket: What? You don't think I could do it?
Me: Kill a rabbit? No, you're like, 100 years old. You lack the agility.
Cricket: AGILITY!??? Didn't you see what I did to the stuffed duck you gave me for Christmas? TOTAL EVISCERATION!
Me: Whatever, you still can't eat that Rabbit.
Cricket: This is unrelated, but can I go in the woods?
Cricket: Okay, but I have another complaint. Why won't you let me lick the baby?
Me: I do.
Cricket: In the face. I want to lick his face.
Me: You lick your butt.
Cricket: Do not!
Me: Do too! You lick your butt almost constantly.
Cricket: You are overprotective.
Me: What are you doing now?
Cricket: (innocently) with what?
Me: Your face
Cricket: I'm begging.
Me: For what?
Cricket: For you, know, any scraps that may have been left out on the counter.
Me: Cricket no...
Cricket: Big or small.... you know just poor, neglected Cricket hoping for some affection from a once doting dog mom.
Cricket: Wait really?
Me: Yeah, fine I'll cut you a piece.
Cricket: Holy Shit are you serious??
Me: Yeah, why not. Here you go.
Cricket: Okay, give it here!
(slurp slurp slurp)
Me: Hey, while you're here, why don't you just sign off on my evaluation?
Cricket: oh, yeah, OF COURSE mom.
Me: I see you just changed my performance rating to "excellent."
Cricket: (Still slurping) Oh yeah, you're the greatest Mom.
Me: Thanks Cricket, I love you.
Cricket: Can I go in the woods?
|Update: We went in the woods.|