Thursday, January 26, 2017

Top Secret Memo, For President Trump's Eyes only!

Dear President Trump,

If we met, we probably wouldn't like each other much (I'm the sort of person who believes in Michael Pollan, government assistance programs, and the Diane Rehm show.) But even so, I'm here to help you man.

And I think I know what you want. You want to be the most LARGER THAN LIFE PRESIDENT EVER. Right? You want to be so inspirational that Kid Rock will write a bad-ass rock ballad about you-- a ballad that will be played at minor league baseball stadiums while fireworks explode---and everybody will spill nacho cheese sauce on their laps, cause they'll be so moved by the patriotism you've evoked, and even Gloria Steinem will sing along, because the song is THAT GOOD.

I get it.  AND I AM HERE TO GIVE THOSE THINGS TO YOU.  Follow my instructions, and I promise these things will come to pass. If you play your cards right, you could even get a Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream Flavor, which I think we could all agree is basically America's most prestigious honor.

The following section is for Trump's eyes only.  If you are not President Trump, please stop reading. 

Ok fine, Pence you can read too... 

Not you, KellyAnne. 

Part 1-
So, Trump, level with me.  It seems like you hate it when jobs leave America.  Is that right? Every time a jobs tries to leave America you get so pissed off you basically have an aneurysm, and you get on the phone, or on Twitter, and throw a tantrum, and threaten to kick all of their analytics officers in the balls, until that job decides to stay in America. 

And I think that's cool man-- I really do. But you can't just bully companies a few jobs at a time. You need a plan. You need to help industries that provide good paying jobs here in the US.

Part 2-
Now, I don't want to put words in your mouth, but it seems like you also kind of hate immigration. Again-- I don't want to presume here, but I seem to remember a small point of your campaign--- you may have touched on it once or twice--- about a wall or something like that. I think.  I can't remember.

So, if you were you, I'd probably be thinking about how to avoid future scenarios that are going to create shit-loads of displaced people because--- let's face it-- walls are expensive, and we aren't always ever going to be able to make Mexico pay for them.

Part 3-

The last thing I've noticed about you is that you love regular, working class Americans. Of course you do.   Afterall, growing up as a New York millionaire, you have a lot in common with us regular folks. It's like, when I came of age, and my father gave me an old Ford Bronco and a driving lesson that involved spinning donuts in a horse pasture, and when you came of age, your father gave you, a million dollar start up loan for your real-estate business.  THEY'RE BASICALLY THE SAME THING.

Joking aside though, I think you're probably the president who would be most likely to be wearing a beer helmet at a tailgate outside a Jimmy Buffet concert, and coming from me, that is an honest compliment.  So I'm going to take you at your word and assume that you are genuine when you say that you are interested in jobs for regular working class Americans.


Sorry, I tricked you there.  I know it was mean, but I was afraid your attention might be waning, and I need you to focus on this. Here is a recap of what you need:

  • Support industries that create jobs which can't be shipped overseas
  • Avoid scenarios that create mass immigration
  • Create jobs for, regular, working class Americans. 
  • See Kate Middleton's boobs. 

What if I told you I could give you a solution that could deliver on 3 out of 4 of those items:


No! Wait! Don't go. Hear me out, ok.  Did you know that there are already more jobs in the solar industry than in the oil and gas industry? It's true.  Did you know that the wind industry already employs more people than the coal industry?  These are not hippie statistics.  They are not #AlternativeFacts. They are REAL, ACTUAL FACTS! Isn't that awesome?

The best part is, you can't export these jobs overseas. Renewable energy is made on-site. Now, I know what you're probably thinking, "I don't want to create jobs for a bunch of bleeding heart fancy liberals."  Don't worry man, I know you don't.  I'm talking about jobs for actual, working class people, who wear carharts, and know how to use power tools, and operate equipment larger than a vitamix. We'll need manufacturing too. Lots of it, cause we're going to be making big ass wind turbines, and solar panels, and all sort of other cool high tech shit that China is going to be totally jealous of!

Finally, and this is important-- climate change is real.  I know it sucks to think about, but climate change isn't like Tinkerbell.  It won't just die if nobody believes in it.  We are already starting to see the effects, and it's going to create domestic and international refugees.  And, do you know who everyone is going to blame for it?  YOU, Donald. You.

So get on board man.  If you care about your legacy (and I know you do,) stop putting oil company lackeys in charge of all of our nice things.  Unfreeze the EPA and USDA grant programs, and for god's sake release your social media gag order on all the park rangers (btw genius, way to piss off the literally the ONLY section of the liberal base who own any guns.)

For my part, I'll be writing some lryics for your song, and maybe contacting Ben and Jerry's with some suggested ice cream flavors.  (Make America Grape Again? Coconut Comb-over?) I'll work on it, Don.  Now you get to work on your stuff.