Friday, August 12, 2016

Focus Group Needed! (Bad news, you'll be paid in poetry and compliments.)

Hi Friends,

I've decided that 2016 is my year. I'm finally going to try and publish a book, and I need your help so that I don't humiliate myself on the internet. (More than usual I mean.)

I'm reaching out to you specifically to get feedback because you are my smartest, most creative, successful friends, and also you have the biggest boobs, and prettiest mermaid hair. 

Here is what I'm trying to do: 
I've found a company that is sort of a hybrid between self-publishing, a kickstarter campaign, and a professional publishing house. You can read more about the Inkshares process here.
The book I want to try publishing is a collection of children's poetry.  I think these poems will be successful because they are funny, and clever and will appeal to parents as well as children.  I've also created some brightly colored watercolor illustrations to compliment the work and make it more visually appealing.  (See the end of this post for a sample poem and illustration.) 
Through their crowdfunding platform, if 250 copies of my book are pre-ordered, it will be published with some light editing services included. My real goal is 750 copies pre-ordered, because at that level they will publish the book and also distribute and market it for me through national marketing channels. #nobodyhastimeforthatshit.

Why I need you: 
The biggest thing I need from you is feedback.  What should the book be called? What poems/illustrations should appear as part of my pre-order campaign? What poems aren't awesome enough and should be cut from the collection? 
I need you to read the book to your kids.  (If you have kids... I mean, you don't look as if you have had any kids, because you all still have the ass of a 23 year old.) But, if you do happen to have kids, please read them the poems I send you to them and tell me what they think.  

Further on in the process, I may need you to pretend to be random people from the internet and praise my book.  (But that comes later :)

This is an illustration from the book/a design of Millie's future tattoo

So, to recap, what I'm looking for right now is a group of kick-ass people that are willing to read through a maximum of five emails from me and give me your opinions on the poems and illustrations you prefer. I may include a short survey or other type of poll in these messages. 

If you are with me, please RSVP to me with the following pledge: 
I ________________, do solemnly swear to tell you the truth so you won't humiliate yourself with publishers and on the internet at large. 
I ________________, do also swear to try and read your poems out loud to at least one small human that I know personally, or one that happens to be sitting next to me at a sporting event. 
I ________________, finally solemnly swear to speak nicely about your publishing project on the internet, even if I am only doing it because I am your friend/relative, and because you told me I have pretty mermaid hair.  

Wow, you are the best y'all. (And, you really do have pretty mermaid hair.) I love you and can't wait to see who signs up for this team.


PS- Here is a poem- Enjoy!

How to Build a Campfire

Hello Campers! Gather round.
Lean your faces towards the ground.

Got your sticks?  Now take a batch,

Set them in and strike a match.

See that flame? Now ‘fore it’s dwindling
Cover it up with lots of kindling.
Then add logs---if you run out
Look for firewood in the house!
Take the tables and the chairs,
Take the tops off all the stairs!
Take your parent’s cupboard doors
Whatever it takes to cook some s’mores.

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